There are many good dancers here I said to my friend. For that reason, I was wearing heels. Yes, most of the guys would be good for dance, she said. I watched and at first sight, bar a few exceptions that seemed to be true. I spotted a guy I recognised from a trip three years previously. My friend picked up the dance with him and then I guessed set one up for me. But after that no invitation that I was seeking from any number of the guys I would have liked to dance with was forthcoming. There were about a hundred people there.
We sat one of the long sides at the end. It was not ideal but we were hardly out of sight. The distance from us to the men was at least standard compared to a traditional Buenos Aires milonga. I sensed that, despite the good dancing, the confidence among guys here was not the same as the quiet, understated, undemonstrative assurance and experience of the older men in Buenos Aires. They seem to know, easily who they want to dance with and are able to invite her clearly, over long distance, even when she is hesitant and inexperienced with that long-distance negotiation. They can also be very understanding.
Still, Is it me? I asked my friend, quailing, puzzled and dismayed. She was not local but knew many there. No, she said and I knew I had expected this. It will get better, she continued. It took me a long time to know people here. It is famous for being 'closed'. Closed in the way Berlin is often said to be closed - you have to be part of the 'in' crowd to be accepted. I heard this many times about this milonga. Many Dutch, including good dancers I met don't go to La Bruja because of this. I decided to call it quits on the guys, so leaving nothing for the fearsome creature that gnaws away at self-confidence.
But in fact that decision, though conscious, happened quite naturally. I passed a tall woman who startled me with a wink even while I thought it great. I did not realise until later that I had cut her and some others cake while I had the knife. Was that an invitation? I asked, pleased. For a fraction of a second it was her turn to look surprised then, not missing a beat asked if I could 'lead'. So I changed my shoes and we danced. She runs a milonga in Den Bosch.
I danced with my friend. Then a quiet blonde woman of ageless beauty who dances both roles came to chat and we danced. Two more women made it clear they wanted to dance and we did. Oh, the solace, gentleness, and subtle sensuality of women! How nice were the calm, Dutch women - open yet still reserved. Those were new, nerve-jangling circumstances for me but the women were not extravagantly reassuring, rather...understanding. They embraced in the best way: neither clingy nor afraid nor cold. They were just warm, natural, relaxed and unaffected experienced dancers. Near the end of the milonga, I invited Katia a young woman visiting from Geneva with an older man I recognised but could not place. Her freshness and her smile had a magnetism that had been very popular all evening with men and with women. We danced, swapping roles. It was fun.
I asked a Dutch friend:
- Why do you think the guys are so circumspect there?
- I know it is very status and hierarchy oriented. You don't dance with someone below your level. They try to be more Buenos Aires than Buenos Aires milongas themselves. They have a strict obsession with only cabaseo, which was very hard where we sat.
- You mean they think I am not at their level,
- No, sorry, that is not what I meant. But because of that attitude they are cautious towards strangers even towards me who doesn't visit their milonga that regularly.
- Yes they were indeed very cautious!:) Where we were sitting was harder than for other girls but far from impossible compared to e.g. BsAs.
- Yes not impossible if they had taken the effort, but they met ten women on their way of whom they could be sure what level.
- Yes, this is true.
I wrote to a different friend afterwards:
Overall I had a nice time there because of the women but was relieved I knew someone to sit with else it could have been tough. I enjoyed things about the milonga and other aspects of my trip but only an idiot would travel for that sort of experience repeatedly...Even if it were to get better I don't think I want to dance with any of the men at La Bruja who treated me like that on my first visit.
But painful memories - or rather, partly-painful memories - can be short lived because I was back there in December...
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